Over the last week I’ve come to a pretty scary realization…
I hate my life.
Hate is a really strong word but it sums up what I’m feeling lately. When I first walked into AA several years ago I was naive and thought that getting sober would solve all my problems – that life would suddenly be great and fun and I’d be doing all these awesome things.
Getting sober wasn’t a magical wand that changed my life. Yes, in many ways my life did change and for the better. I’m not denying that. But for the first 2 (almost 2 years) years I was going through the motions of attending meetings and not willing to peel back the layers of “onion” that needed to be peeled back – in other words I wasn’t working the steps or the program.
So it wasn’t really all that surprising when I was one month and six days away from celebrating two years sobriety, I relapsed.
But as weird as it sounds to say…the relapse wasn’t a bad thing. I mean, yes it was but in the sense of my emotional well being and wanting to get serious about finding that joy, peace and freedom I’d heard so many people talking about – the relapse was just the kick in the ass I needed!
I made some radical life changes after the relapse. Even deciding to move 4 hours away from my then 15 year old son. It wasn’t without a lot of tears, prayer, talking to my sponsor and even talking to my son about the decision first.
It was hard. I cried myself to sleep every night – it sucked being 4 hours away from my kiddo. But things were also good. I know that seems to contradict itself but for the first time I was actually working the program. I had a tough ass sponsor who pushed me when I didn’t want to be, but needed it. She didn’t put up with excuses and told me like it was.
Yeah, she was exactly what I needed in my life. Of course, I spent a lot of time being “angry” with her – I guess that’s part of being a good sponsor hey (pissing off your sponsee)? lol But finally as I started working the steps, taking suggestions from my sponsor, reconnecting with my higher power (whom I call God) and getting involved with more AA meetings bits and peaces of that joy, peace and freedom started enveloping my life. I started to feel good about myself. I started to find myself.
And then circumstances changed and I found myself moving back so I could be with my son. The only problem? I’m still an hour away from him because, although I’ve been looking for months, I still can’t find a place to live in the town he’s in. And I’m in a situation that is NOT ideal at all – staying with my parents.
So maybe being 40 and staying with your parents isn’t really that big of a deal – hey, at least I have a roof over my head right? (insert sarcasm there if you didn’t realize I was being sarcastic). But they effing live out in no man’s land – literally (15-20 minutes to the nearest town). I don’t get cell service out here (no one does) so I feel completely cut off from the world. My cell phone was my lifeline – that’s how AA friends got a hold of me or how I got a hold of them. There’s a land line out here but I can’t give the number out because I can’t have phone calls after 7pm at night (out of courtesy for my parents that get up at 3-3:30am every day for work).
And maybe that wouldn’t be such a big deal if the internet didn’t suck too. But it’s slow…not dial up slow, but slow. Again, that wouldn’t be a big deal but when you’re self-employed like I am and rely on high-speed internet, it’s an issue. And how about the 3 days that internet and the land line were down? Talk about really being cut off from the world!!!
Normally I would just get up and go to town or drive around or something to get back into “civilization” for awhile but of course I have a piece of shit vehicle that isn’t reliable or safe (last mechanic that looked at it said I shouldn’t even be driving it). I’ve tried getting a loan to get a new (new to me) car but because of my credit I have to have 40% of the loan as a down payment. Don’t get me started on this.
And there’s the health issues going on. Some days I can’t even get out of bed I’m that exhausted and wiped out. Or I do get out of bed and manage to work a little bit and then have to sleep for 3 or 4 hours just to get enough energy to get back out of bed. Every day (thankfully) is not like that, but the days that are really suck. And that’s just the beginning of what’s going on health wise. There are lots of other things and a few of them are being handled with medication (high blood pressure and panic attacks).
And then there’s my sweet, adorable nephew who is just a tiny little human being (he’s 4) who was diagnosed with cancer on April 13th. And my life has revolved around him and helping in any way I can which up until a few weeks ago (when I started having health issues) meant usually being in charge of my other nephew, his 1 1/2 year old brother. Let me tell you, at this age caring for a 1 1/2 year old isn’t easy!
So during the time that all this has been happening, I’ve made it to two AA meetings and haven’t worked any more of my steps. I’m in limbo and waiting to get started on Step 8 but I need to find a new sponsor who is local to me now. But being out in no man’s land with a ghetto car means even if I could get to more meetings, there isn’t much to choose from.
So lately I’ve realized how much I hate my life. I know most of the things I hate are all circumstances and that THIS TOO SHALL PASS…but when you’re in the midst of it all, it effing sucks and it’s really hard to be positive. And connecting with my higher power (God) through all this…well that’s been hard to because I’ve been so angry at Him!
I guess I just needed to get it out of my head…I haven’t told anyone how I’ve been feeling and the longer I sit and think about things, the worse I find myself feeling and the more I find myself hating life even more.
I know I’m the one that has done the things that have caused sucky circumstances (past financial decisions caused the bad credit I currently have, moving back without knowing I had an apartment in the town I wanted to live in, isolating, etc.) but I thought getting sober would help me start rebuilding my life and give me second chances….meh, not so much!
But continuing to bitch about everything isn’t going to change things. So, time to suck it up, put my big girl panties on and deal with life on life’s terms…