5 months sober
I celebrated 5 months sober on the 3rd of this month. Sometimes I still have a hard time letting go of the fact I relapsed so close to my 2 year anniversary. But I’ve also learned that it is what it is. My relapse is part of my journey and I can’t go back and change the past. It happened and it’s a matter of doing everything I possibly can to make sure it doesn’t ever happen again.
Lots has changed since the relapse. I moved. In the beginning it was easy being away from family and friends. After a couple months I found myself just as miserable here as I was there. (I always think the grass will be greener on the other side.) Part of the decision to make such a big move (4 hours away) was that there were more options available recovery wise in the new place (more AA meetings, more outpatient treatment programs, etc). The thinking behind that was that I’d immerse myself in recovery related stuff, spend tons of time making new friends in recovery, etc.
Not working the program
Long story short. It didn’t happen. I wasn’t putting forth any more effort to take care of me/work my program in the new place than I was back in the old place. So once again I found myself stuck and not moving forward in my recovery. Sure, I was making other changes in my life (stepping out of my comfort zone and joining some groups that I had always wanted to be a part of but they weren’t available where I used to live).
Why it’s taken so long to learn this I’m not sure, but I’ve finally realized:
It doesn’t matter where I live or what I’m doing, until I learn to be happy on the inside, I’m not going to be happy…in general.
I’m not quite sure how to get to that happy on the inside place, but from all the time I’ve spent around the tables it sounds like once I really start working my program, happiness on the inside (along with self-acceptance, loving myself, and more!) comes about.
Time to kick it up a notch!
So, now it’s time to step things up a notch (which I have since several days ago – more about that in another post) and work my program like I did back in the very beginning. This time…I have to keep the momentum going and not give up because if there’s one thing I’ve heard over and over at the meetings, it’s that “this program works if you work it!”
Until next time…