Just one more. No one stops me. Just one more. No one cares. Just one more. Everyone’s doing it. Just one more. Just one more. Just one more…I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop taking shot after shot after shot after shot. I couldn’t drink the beer fast enough or gulp the Rum & Coke quick enough.
Suddenly, I’m standing face to face with a “friend” and she’s handing me the keys to my vehicle laughing about me being sober enough to drive, but I had to get to him. I had to get to my boyfriend.
I knew he was mad at me. I knew I shouldn’t have blown him off or my best friend to go party. I knew I should have went with him or her. I had to get to him. I had to make sure he still loved me and wasn’t mad…
Stepping on the accelerator. Faster and faster and faster I weave down the road, blurry eyes not able to see where I am. Am I on the road even?
The impact throws me forward.
I hear the cracking noises as my head and chest hit the steering wheel, knocking the wind out of me.
I feel the pain in my head.
I hear myself scream.
Then I feel the blood dripping down my face, warm and sticky as it quickly and steadily runs from my forehead, dripping onto my chest. I feel the warm wetness of blood on my shirt. I smell it just as I taste the metallic taste in my mouth.
I hear the man whispering “stay with me” and feel him squeeze my hand as I drift in and out of consciousness.
Whee-yoo, Whee-yoo, the siren wails off in the distance.
chest on fire…
can’t catch my breath…
That’s the nightmare, that’s really a reality, that woke me with a start a little after 4am today. Feelings and thoughts I can’t even describe were racing through my head. Feelings and thoughts I’ve never had before, even 17 years ago after my drunk driving accident. I’ve never felt the things I have felt today about my drunk driving accident. I’ve never once dreamed about that night so long ago, even right after it happened. Not once did I ever try to piece together the things that happened in the early morning hours of July 5th, 1997. Back then I didn’t care. I couldn’t recover quick enough to get back out there to my drinking – 4 weeks of recovery and no drinking made me mad. I drove drunk so many more times after that, sadly. But now,
17 years later and it’s come back to haunt me…
Is it because July 5th is coming up? Is it because I’m ready to face the memories, feelings, thoughts now, all these years later?
I can’t stop thinking about what it was like as I slammed into that cement culvert at almost 60 miles per hour. I can’t shake the reality of the sounds, smells, tastes, pain I felt that night. This has really shaken me to the core and has me confused why suddenly, 17 years later I’m remembering these things.
Photo Credit: Alyssa L. Miller