Will I Ever Learn?

Note: I’m writing something very personal and it’s very hard to share. I’m writing it because I’ve been too ashamed to talk to anyone about it because I don’t understand why I let things like this happen over and over and over. The guilt, shame and disgust I’ve been carrying around the last couple days are eating away at me. Writing is therapeutic that’s why I do it and I figure if by sharing my story (the good, the bad and the worst) if it even touches one person and lets them know they aren’t alone…then sharing this deep dark secret will have been worth it.

I’ve been told more than once over the years that I have an addictive personality. It never really ‘hit home’ until I started going to AA and seeing a therapist. I’m learning all about my wonderful addictive personality and all the other issues (addictions) I have in my life – food, men (specifically bad relationships/men using me), shopping, just to name a few.

One thing I’m really struggling with right now is wanting to fix everything all at once. I’ve been told by several people that this is not a good place to be in because what will end up happening (because of overwhelm which I am feeling) is that I won’t fix anything and end up right back at square one. I’m trying to “fix” (I know it won’t ever be ‘fixed’ I know I’ll always be an alcoholic – I get that really I do) my sobriety (staying sober), my food addiction and the binging and purging which has gotten worse since I stopped drinking and the men using me I’m trying to fix too.

Stupid Decision

Obviously the later one I listed I’m not doing so well at if Sunday is any indication. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to write about this or not because I know this is about my journey to recovery and sober living but I’m learning that all my addictions are kind of intertwined and they all lead back to several things. Things I haven’t figured out yet and things I have figured out – the biggest one (that I figured out) being hating myself and having no self-esteem or self-respect. Oh yeah, back to that stupid decision…

An ex got a hold of me Sunday and before I knew it I was at his place. Interestingly we had a ton of fun (more fun than when we were together…of course when we were together I was always drunk) watching a movie, going to the beach to watch a thunderstorm, him cooking me dinner, talking and just hanging out. But I knew deep down the real reason he invited me over and it certainly wasn’t just to hang out.

Here’s where my thinking is so jacked up – I thought that if I didn’t have sex with him but did other things I wouldn’t feel bad about myself. I thought he wouldn’t be using me if there wasn’t sex involved. Talk about some effed up thinking. Does it really matter if it’s sex or ‘other things’?

Being used is being used.

And he used me.

But I LET him.  I let my need/desire/want for male attention get in the way of doing the next right thing (saying NO, ignoring him, etc). Male attention is like alcohol for me – I crave it, I need it, I want it. And because of that I get used and walked on and my heart stomped on over and over and over.

But I kept justifying the situation. Again, it wasn’t sex so he didn’t use me. And if he was just using me he wouldn’t have had me spend the night (although I left and came home around 2 o’clock in the morning because I was so sick to my stomach, disgusted and ashamed of myself). And if he was just using me we wouldn’t have spent time on the beach watching a thunderstorm or watching a movie or he wouldn’t have cooked me dinner…I came up with every single excuse you could think of to tell myself what happened was ok even though I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever.

So many thoughts/questions running through my head:

• Will I ever learn I’m worth more than this?
• Will I ever love myself enough to respect myself and not allow a man to use me?
• I’m so stupid.
• I’ll never have a man that doesn’t use me because they all do it.
• I deserve to be treated like this because I don’t care about myself.
• Any male attention is better than none.
• the list goes on and on

What happened to the person that just a couple of weeks ago found herself in the same position but walked out with her dignity in place and nothing happened because she was strong enough to walk out on him? What happened to that person…I was so proud of myself that night when I walked out on him and didn’t let anything happen. It feels like I have now taken one step forward and 500 steps backwards.

I hate myself for being weak and so wanting/needing/craving a man’s love that I settle for any attention. I can’t stop beating myself up that I was stupid enough to even put myself in the situation of being with him again. I hate myself that I let him use me. I hate myself that I justified the situation. I just plain ole hate myself.

And you would think those feelings would have kept me from texting with him the following day. But oh hell no. Of  course not. I couldn’t help myself…even when one text made me feel like the biggest dirtiest nastiest skankiest tramp ever:

let me know if you want to do it again

I’m so disgusted with myself. And even more disgusting is that to me this is how the whole ‘math equation’ of love goes:

male attention + sex (or ‘other things’) =’s LOVE

That’s so freaking messed up. Maybe one of these days I’ll actually grasp the concept that that’s not how the equation goes at all. (sigh)

Until next time…

photo credit: jfg