Yesterday I was thinking about why all this happened and why I chose this time to get sober and reach out for help. I’ve been drinking for a long time. Sometimes the amount and severity was worth than others and this last go around was the worst is has ever been. Never before have I ever drank at home by myself on a regular basis like I was this time around. It was bad.
So, anyways I was thinking that you have to hit rock bottom before you’re usually ready to change things. But it doesn’t make sense to me that I didn’t choose to change things when things happened that should have been my rock bottom like:
- A very nasty awful drunk driving accident. I’m lucky to be alive!
- Having my stomach pumped from drinking too much alcohol and ending up with alcohol poisoning.
- I woke up wondering where the hell I was (or who the hell I was with)
- Hurting people with my actions, things I said while under the influence of alcohol.
Drunk Driving Accident
I mean you would think that being almost killed in a drunk driving accident (the cop actually told my mom when he called her on the phone to let her know the ambulance was transporting me to the hospital that very rarely – probably only about 5% of the time – did he ever get to tell the parent their child was still alive in a situation as severe as my accident. He also told my mom that someone had to of been looking out for me to have survived that crash!) years ago would have…would have ‘sobered’ me up. It didn’t. It wasn’t long after recovering from the injuries of that night that I was right back out there driving under the influence again! And thank God I didn’t kill anyone or injury anyone but myself – I couldn’t imagine having to carry guilt around like that for life.
Alcohol Poisoning/Stomach Pumped
You would think that having to have my stomach pumped (from alcohol poisoning because I drank so much Vodka and God only knows what else) would have been my bottom and ‘sobered’ me up. Oh it sure did sober me up for 3 days because I was so sick after being released from the hospital. I laid in bed and didn’t move unless it was to throw up! But nope I was right back out there after I felt half way ‘normal’ again after those 3-4 days I was so sick.
Where am I/Who are You?
You would think the mornings I woke up wondering where the hell I was (or who the hell I was with) would have made me want to sober up. Nope. It was always a joke and everyone around me would laugh with me as I shared places I woke up, etc.
My Actions Hurting People
You would think all the people I hurt (not physically) while drunk or all the dumb crap I did would have made me want to stop. Nope.
So I wonder what made the morning after my birthday when I woke up in a drunken stupor next to some guy…I mean what was it about that moment that made me have an epiphany and realize wow, I need help. After all, and unfortunately this was not the first time that happened.
I don’t know. I guess the why doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I am getting help. I need to just let it go and stop wondering/thinking about what made this my time to admit how bad things were and that I needed help.
Until next time…
photo credit: arte_ram