Ok, first let me just say that I haven’t drank in 39 days so maybe the question should be why did you drink? Again, this is something that I am still confused about (the wording of things – like am I still a drunk or was I a drunk, etc).
So anyway…I had a conversation last night with someone and they asked me “why do you drink?” Hmmm good question and interesting that they brought it up considering it’s something I’ve been talking about in therapy.
So why do/did I drink?
Here are some of the main reasons:
- I hate myself
- I’m shy
- I have no self-confidence
- I have no self-esteem
- I have no self-worth
- I have friends when I drink
- People like me when I drink (too bad it’s because I make an ass out of myself and they think it’s funny)
- Men like/want me when I drink (and I’ve wanted/craved a man’s love for as long as I can remember)
- I don’t have a care in the world when I drink
- I go numb when I drink and don’t have to think/feel things going on in my life
- I can’t handle the pressures of the financial things in my life (bill collectors, robbing Peter to pay Paul, etc)
- I have a deep dark secret that I’ve been hiding for 4 years that haunts me every day and I have no idea how to take care of the situation/problem
- I’m inadequate
- Nothing I do is ever good enough
- I’m fat
- I’m stupid
- I’m unlovable
- I’m a loser that won’t ever amount to anything
- I’m a loser that can barely pay her monthly bills let alone past debt
- I’m a loser that has big grand dreams but everyone tells me I’ll never be able to do any of them
- I’m stressed
- I’m anxious
- I’m on edge all the time
- I could care less if I was here on this earth (no matter how miserable I am or how much I hate life there is one thing that keeps me here and that’s being a mom)
- I feel dead on the inside – my life is nothing, it has no purpose
- and the list just goes on and on and on….
Pretty ugly isn’t it? Yep, that’s what it’s like inside my head all the time. This is how I’ve felt about myself for as long as I can remember. Apparently self-hatred, no self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, etc are pretty common when you first come into recovery. It helps hearing others share their stories of how they have changed during recovery and how they have self-acceptance, self-love, self-esteem, etc now. It gives me hope that maybe someday I will be able to accept myself, love myself, have self-esteem, etc. And when we talk about it in therapy my counselor says that yes there is hope and that I can learn to change these beliefs about myself. I guess only time will tell.
Until next time…
photo credit: c-louise