Why can’t I just be normal?
Why can’t I just drink one or two and be fine with that?
Why does alcohol, as soon as it hits my lips, take over control of me and my life?
Why why why…I have so many questions.
I was always taught that being ‘normal’ was boring and that you didn’t want to be like everyone else anyway. Well, yeah, sure I get that. But in this case I wish I were normal! I hate this. I hate alcohol (well obviously I don’t or I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in – going to AA, in outpatient treatment, etc). I hate what alcoholism does to people. I hate being an alcoholic. I just hate…all of this. But this weekend I realized I really hate how this disease makes me stand out from others and ‘ruin’ a normal get together (for me at least).
I was visiting an out of town friend and had to leave really early in the night because they were getting out the alcohol (my friend wasn’t, the people my friend was with were) and I couldn’t handle the thought of being around it. I was already salivating over one person’s beer – I could only imagine how bad it would have been when everyone started drinking. It sucks that I’m not normal and can’t handle being in a situation like that where others are drinking. Maybe it’s because I’m still so early on in my recovery. Maybe at some point I’ll be able to be in situations like that where others drinking won’t even phase me. All I knew was I had to get out of there. And it sucked. It really made me realize how much this disease messes up so many things in my life – like a little get together like this. But it is what it is. I think I did the right thing by removing myself from the situation and leaving. It wasn’t easy because I wanted to visit with my friend but she understood.
But damn, it really irritated me that I had to leave early. It really irritated me that I was craving beer so much. I swear I could actually taste it in my mouth just from seeing one person with it. I’m sure that was my mind’s way of envisioning it and trying to get me to think how good it would taste. It was freaking me the hell out that I was so intensely focused on that person’s beer – I watched every single time they picked it up and put it to their lips wishing it was me having that intimate encounter with that beer bottle! I knew if I was going this crazy over just one person having it, that when everyone started I would really go even crazier.
So, I just knew I had to leave. I knew if I didn’t I would be playing with temptation and it wasn’t worth it. My friend said I could stay if I wanted because they wouldn’t let me drink but I’m here to tell you (from my past drinking days) that when I wanted it and I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to be drinking I was very sneaky about getting my hands on it. I knew even under their watchful eye that I could have found a way to get it. Plus I didn’t feel it was their responsibility to have to babysit me all night – what a drag for them that would have been. And how pathetic that in my late 30’s I would even need a babysitter 🙁
Will I ever be normal or will this disease always keep me separated from the ‘normal’ crowd?
Until next time…
photo credit: arte_ram