I’m a people pleaser. Always have been. However, since getting sober (can’t believe it will be 37 days tomorrow! I actually lost track of a few days because earlier I told someone I have been sober for 33 days! Hello, I can’t believe I lost track of those few days) I’m really starting to realize that I need to focus more on ME and not what everyone else needs/wants!
It feels selfish to think I need to spend more time focusing on me. I mean I already spend time on me by going to treatment counseling and AA meetings (although I haven’t been to a meeting since Thursday because I let what everyone else needed get in the way of what I needed – my meetings!). But, I do need to be selfish during this process. This is about ME and my recovery! Now I need to get that engrained into my head and remember that!
I’m not giving myself time to process everything that’s going on. I run from one appointment to the next without taking the time to stop, breathe and process things. I’m not giving myself quiet time every day to sit and reflect and think about things. Sure I spend time writing here but I still need more than that. I need time to read my AA literature (books), meditations, etc and right now I’m not getting that.
I’m realizing that I don’t set boundaries for myself. When someone snaps their fingers and says they need this, that and the other I drop everything (including my AA meetings) to take care of them and their needs.
I’m not ok with this. As I sit here writing this I’m realizing I haven’t been to a meeting since Thursday! And I won’t get to a meeting today at all because of my schedule. That’s 4 days without getting to a meeting and surrounding myself with others that help keep me sober. That’s 4 days I’ve taken away from MY needs and have put everyone else above myself.
So, obviously I have to learn to set some boundaries and remind myself that my needs are more important than anything else right now. I even feel bad writing that but it’s true. If I don’t put myself first and what I need I’m going to have a relapse and that is not where I want to end up! I want to stay sober and live a sober life more than anything I’ve ever wanted before – even regardless of how hard this journey has been and is going to continue being. Now, it’s just a matter of learning how to set those boundaries and to make the time I need for myself!
And what about blogging anonymously? I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. I wanted to blog as me, not a pen name but because of what those around me wanted I chose to be anonymous about it. Of course I say it was because a few people around me didn’t want me to go public with my issue of drinking, but honestly I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to not be anonymous anyway. There is a lot of shame, guilt, humiliation, etc behind being an alcoholic (at least in my case there is) so I think hiding behind a pen name lets me ‘talk’ more freely about what’s going on. But at the same time it feels like I’m lying. So, I don’t know maybe one day I will reveal my true identity.
Until next time…