If you haven’t read my previous post My Sobriety is in Danger you should probably start there so you understand what’s going on. My thoughts are so jumbled right now and all over the place that I’m not sure I can even compose a post that’s going to make sense!
So, I went.
I still didn’t make a decision. Things are just kind of…up in the air I guess.
Back to the talking thing. That’s what gets me into trouble – the talking. As silly as it sounds when we were dating we never had conversations like we’ve been having (when we were hanging out previously & then tonight). I’ve been amazed at the deep conversations we’ve had – I didn’t know he was even capable of communicating like he has been.
Tonight he opened up to me about something that recently happened while drinking which brought him to the decision he has to cut back on it. I wish he said he wanted to stop, but that has to be a decision he makes. But cutting back is a good start. And that’s where I got in ‘trouble’ again. Knowing he doesn’t want to be drinking/partying all the time gave me a flicker of hope that maybe eventually he’ll stop. Naive of me to think that? Probably.
He asked me on a date. We’re talking as in dinner and a movie real date here. And again this got me into ‘trouble’! Once again when we were dating we didn’t go on dates! Ok, that’s not entirely true he took me out to dinner a few times. (So, how did we even start dating if we didn’t go on dates? I met him through a friend at a party and we left together and just kind of went into a relationship from that moment…I know, I know – that’s the wrong way to go about dating anyone. You don’t have to tell me but under the influence of alcohol it all made sense to do things that way!)
And once I left there I was just as anxious/confused/frustrated/upset as I was in the previous post I mentioned at the beginning of this one. I have so many gazillion thoughts running through my head (that would be why I’m wide awake at 2:50am writing this post!) and some of them aren’t pretty.
Here’s some of what I’ve been thinking:
The I CAN’s
- I can date him especially now that he’s cutting back on his drinking.
- I can date him because he knows I won’t go to the bar or a party with him & he respects that & said he wouldn’t ask me to.
- I can date him because we’ll be doing our own thing most of the time because I’m busy with AA and he has a busy work schedule.
- I can date him because he’s communicating with me now.
- I can date him because he wants to do this right this time around and start by taking me on dates.
- I can date him because he’s making changes in his life now too.
- I can date him because if I end up relapsing I can always go back to AA and start again.
- I can date him because he’s fun to be around.
- I can date him because he makes me laugh.
The I CANT’s
- I can’t date him because an alcoholic can’t date someone that likes to go the bar and party…even if they are cutting back.
- I can’t date him because even though he’s cutting back on drinking he’ll still be doing it (but he doesn’t do it at home so it wouldn’t be around me) and I already crave/miss that old lifestyle that I’ve worked so hard to get out of!
- I can’t date him because my sobriety is important even when I have bad days or weak moments where I say it’s not important and am ready to throw in the towel & go get drunk.
- I can’t date him because I know it will be too hard to stay sober even if he’s not inviting me to the bars/parties.
- I can’t date him because I know it’s not right for me on so many levels.
So, why the hell have I still not made a decision and just left things up in the air? Why is it so hard to do the right thing for me? UGH. UGH. UGH. I just don’t know what to do…I mean I do, I just don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to resist the one thing that I crave more than alcohol (a man’s attention/love). And I definitely don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it now that he’s making so many changes in his life.
Until next time…