I was out of town for a week and I’d like to say I stayed sober during that time away…but I didn’t. I drank just about every single day. As soon as I got home I knew that starting the following morning (Monday the 9th) I had to dive head first into AA meetings. I knew it was sink or swim time…and I was tired of sinking. I knew I was at that fork in the road where I had to make a decision about which way to go – keep drinking and going down the path I was going or get serious about getting sober and start attending AA meetings like crazy. I chose the getting sober path.
Ok, so now onto my evening…temptation sucks!
Not one, not two but THREE text messages came in inviting me to go out and party. And here I was at that fork in the road again, having to decide which path to choose. I sat and debated about it for about 10 minutes and while I so wanted to choose the path of drinking the strangest thing happened (again – it happened a few Thursday’s ago). All these faces started popping in my head of people I’ve seen at AA meetings. Then all of a sudden all these words/sentences started running through my head of things people have shared at AA meetings about their sobriety stories.
And it was within those 5-10 minutes of people’s faces and words/sentences running through my head I found the strength to say NO and to keep on the same path I’m already on (sobriety)! I immediately knew I had to busy myself or I would be getting dressed and heading out to get my next drunk on. I cleaned, gave myself and pedicure and manicure. That kept me busy for quite awhile. Then I just made myself go to bed. And of course that’s when all the thoughts started…
My Rambling, Jumbled Thoughts
For the first time since all this started (admitting I had a drinking problem, seeking help through an outpatient substance abuse program and finally starting to go to AA meetings) I realized OH MY GOD I AM NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE SIP OF ALCOHOL. EVER. EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE.
That’s some scary shit! When all you’ve known most of your life from 16-17 years old into your late 30’s the thought of never being able to have even a sip of alcohol is scary. I went into total freak out mode. Drinking, getting drunk and either passing out or blacking out is all I’ve known for so long. I’ve associated drinking with fun most of my life (kind of funny that what I’ve considered fun over the years while being drunk never ends up being fun the next day or a few weeks later when people start talking about the stupid crap I said/did and I had to go into damage control & pick up the pieces from hurting people for things I said or did but that’s another story). So many of the activities I’ve done most of my life have revolved around drinking and now suddenly here I am working on getting sober and I’m scared shitless that for the rest of the time I’m on this Earth I can no longer do the things I’ve done.
It makes me so anxious and so nervous knowing my whole life has to completely change for my sobriety and getting better. Part of me wants to just run out and buy a 24 pack of beer and sit here and drink myself into oblivion or run out and hook up with my friends and get drunk with them. Because honestly that would be easier than having to get sober and change my life. But I also know that I do NOT want to live how I’ve been living. I don’t want to be that person anymore. So I’m hanging onto any little shred of hope and strength I have to get through this minute…because right now all I can do is take it minute by minute!
Until next time…
photo credit: maxpate