Lost in a moment of…I don’t know what, I recently found myself helping clean up after a get together only to grab an empty beer bottle, lift it to my nose and stand there sniffing for a few minutes. How long? I don’t know. I was jolted back to reality as a friend tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I was ok.
Who the hell does that?
An alcoholic. Me. That’s who!
Even though today marks the 72nd day of no drinking I still have the craving. I still have the desire. I still want to do it to make myself numb out all these shit storms (wish I could remember who I heard that from on Twitter so I could credit them! lol) coming at me.
But (thank God) I also have a part of me that is starting to enjoy sobriety more and more and that’s the part of me that I ‘hang’ onto when I have moments I want to drink! I keep reminding myself of how far I’ve come. But mostly I keep reminding myself of those first 15 days of detoxing. It was pure HELL and I don’t EVER want to have to go through that again. I won’t allow myself to forget those first 15 days because it’s thinking about how awful I felt those first several days that helps remind me why I want to stay sober and not have to start over again!
So, back to the sniffing of an empty beer bottle. I don’t even remember how I got to that moment in time. I was enjoying a get together with some friends/family and I do remember when a few people sat down and pulled out the beer. It only bothered me for a second and then I was busy talking and not paying attention to them to even think about it. Then once everyone was gone I was helping my friend clean up and the next thing I know I was lost in my own world of standing there with an empty beer bottle ‘glued’ to my nose, sniffing it.
It was weird when I realized what had just happened. And I kept thanking God that it was empty and there had not been any beer in that bottle because I probably would have put it to my lips and drank it. But it really scared me that my sobriety can be lost in…oh about 2 seconds – the time it takes to pick up and bottle & get it to your lips. It also scared me that I was in a position of smelling an empty beer bottle. That’s not good!
But, over all the experience was ‘good’. It just reminded me that I am still an alcoholic and always will be and that I am still in very early sobriety/recovery where it may be more “normal” to do these kinds of things than when you have a lot longer length of sobriety under your belt?
Until next time…