Woo hoo today marks ONE full week of sober living! That’s seven days of no drinking. Part of me is super proud of that and part of me is like “7 days? big deal you still have a heck of a long way to go…as in the rest of your life.”
Today was a bit of a rough day. In the course of 4 hours I managed to tick off 3 people! Talk about wanting to drink. I’ve always been the person that always says yes to everything, even if it’s not something I want to do. I figured the more times I said yes to people the more they would like me. Sure, it may have made people “like” me because they always got me to do what they wanted but it sure didn’t make me like myself! I always resented doing the thing I said yes to, or being angry that I was doing something I didn’t want to.
So, one thing I’m learning in recovery right now is that I have to be selfish. This is about ME and what I need right now. It’s not about what everyone else thinks they need me to do. Because in reality, the things that these 3 people wanted me to do today weren’t anything that I had to be the person to do them. While it sucks having people mad at me, it was empowering saying the word NO!
At tonight’s AA meeting the topic was fear. Talk about the perfect topic for me right now! Because I’m so new to the AA program and getting sober my whole life is fear right now. As I shared yesterday (I think it was yesterday) one of the things I’m fearful of is being sober and staying sober and never taking another drink in my entire life. I’m also fearful of myself right now. Being sober and left with nothing but thoughts and emotions it’s kind of scary. It’s been an up/down week with my moods/emotions. But from what I hear in my meetings this is perfectly normal!
What else am I fearful of?
Basically everything! Every time I walk into an AA meeting I’m fearful. Speaking in AA meetings makes me sick to my stomach, my palms sweat, my heart race & sets panic into motion but I push through it because I know I need to share what’s going on in my life and what I’m struggling with when it comes to my sobriety. I’m fearful of the times in between AA meetings when I’m left to my own resources to keep myself sober. I’m fearful of family members and them inviting me to cookouts this summer where there will be alcohol. I’m fearful of…everything. That’s just the best way to sum it up.
But I guess the most important fear I have right now (well I don’t know that it’s important because I’m not sure fear should ever be classified as something important in your life…if that makes sense) is the fear of not being able to stay sober. The thought of relapsing scare the beejeebies out of me. Maybe that fear, though, will be the fear that keeps me plugging along and pushing on to fight for my sobriety every day.
Until next time…
photo credit: Leo Reynolds