Several months ago (4 months ago) a relationship ended with a man that I was dating. While dating him I was doing some of my heaviest/hardest/craziest partying. Our relationship ended in February but we’ve kind of ‘been together’ several times since then.
On my 2 month sobriety date (June 8th) I ‘kicked’ him to the curb once and for all. It wasn’t even just for the fact that all it was, was booty calls. It was because being with him made me crave my old life (drinking & partying) especially when he would come over after having been out drinking (is it weird that I would just love the smell of alcohol on him?)…and in my twisted weird way of thinking I used to think kissing him would give me that little taste of alcohol that I was craving (by the way it never worked lol)!
So, obviously it just wasn’t good being with him. I was/am working so hard on my sobriety, making changes in my life, spending tons of time focusing on me and doing everything I need to do to stay sober. I knew in my head it wouldn’t be as easy as ‘kicking him to the curb’ because I knew I would hear from him again. And I did. I’ve been able to stay away from him…
But now I’m feeling weak and it’s a scary spot to be in because everything is on the line including my sobriety.
What I thought I’ve wanted (him wanting to date again), he’s finally admitted to me today that he wants us to date again. I thought I would jump at the chance. And part of me did. As soon as I saw that text message from him the first thoughts that popped into my head were
Finally, he’s come to his senses & realized he wants me in his life for more than just a booty call & is ready to be in a real relationship again. F*ck my sobriety! I’m ready to get back out there with him & start having some fun! I’m sick & tired of sitting home by myself all the time.
Yeah, I’m concerned mostly with my ‘screw my sobriety’ thought! That’s what scares me most. Actually that’s not true. He scares me. Not because he hurt me (well emotionally he did) but because what it means if I choose to date him. If I date him again I feel like it’s literally a matter of life or death. Life would be making the decision to stay strong, keep my sobriety and tell him I can’t have him in my life. Death would be dating him and getting caught back up in that old way of life and giving up my sobriety because I know I couldn’t stay sober with him.
So, why is it so hard to make the right decision and do what’s best for me?
I’m lonely – not even lonely from the perspective of male companionship – just lonely in general. Aside from the AA meetings I go to I do NOTHING. Oh, well I go to counseling once a week. Yes, I’m starting to make friends with people from AA but I don’t hang out with any of them. So I’m literally home by myself 24/7 with no social interaction other than what I already mentioned – the AA meetings & my counseling appointment once a week.
I miss him – he’s got a great personality, makes me laugh (heck he makes an entire room laugh & light up when he walks in).
I can’t stop thinking about this – Ok, I know it’s silly but there was this one time, not that long ago. We weren’t dating. We were “friends” and he invited me over to hang out. We had an amazing night – he cooked me dinner, we watched movies & we went to the beach to watch the storm. That night had so much impact on me because I had more fun that night than probably anything we ever did when we dated (because 99% of the time we were getting drunk, at the bar, partying with friends).
But then I also can’t stop thinking about how bad this would be for me. Yes, I have the good things about why I want to say yes but I also know that I’m at a fork in the road in my life today. I can choose life and my sobriety and tell him I can’t be with him or I can choose ‘death’ and start dating him again.
Sometimes life just plain sucks. Things get thrown at me and sometimes there isn’t any dilemma or playing it out in my head – the answer is perfectly clear. And then there are the times like this when it may not seem like deciding to date a man is that big of a deal but because of being an alcoholic and so new in recovery it is a huge deal because there is so much riding on this one decision.
I’ve been torn all day about what to do. We’re supposed to talk later this evening and I have to have a plan in place for what I’m going to do/say and I just don’t know what I’m going to say or do and it’s making me very anxious. I know in my head what I need to do but I don’t always listen to my head and make good decisions. And again, I feel like this is a huge fork in the road and a matter of life or death so I have to be really present and aware of what I’m doing (decision I’m making).
Until next time…
photo credit: maxpate