I met with my substance abuse treatment counselor today and it was hell. But hell in a good way if that makes any sense. For the first time in weeks I felt like there was hope for me. As she was telling me everything I was going to have to do during my treatment I became increasingly anxious and ended up having a panic attack – I was super impressed with how she handled it (and from how easily and naturally she did handle it I’d wager a bet that I’m not the first person to have one in her office!) and that just…I don’t know kind of reassured me that she was going to be there for me (well as much as a once a week appointment with her allowed her to ‘be there’ for me) and that somehow she was going to help me get through this mess.
I’m not going to lie – as she started talking about AA meetings and group therapy and regular counseling my mind started to reel and my first reaction was ‘screw this – I’m never going to make it through all this because it’s going to be way too hard’. Yep, in this first meeting it crossed my mind to throw in the towel right then and there.
I’ll be going back next week. I’m not sure what to expect and I think that’s what is freaking me out most about this whole substance abuse treatment – the unexpected. I know we’ll dig deep down into my soul, my past, my behaviors and quite honestly that scares the shit out of me! I’ve stuffed so many emotions/feelings/things from my childhood, past, etc that I’m nervous to dig into all those skeletons in the closet.
But, I have to keep reminding myself that in order to get better this is a process I have to go through!
Until next time…