First off, I “celebrated” (I still have a hard time saying celebrate, celebration, celebrated because in the past those were usually all associated with me getting drunk!) 8 months sobriety this past Monday with my sponsor and then a group of wonderful lady AA friends at a meeting. I’m so blessed for the amazing sponsor I have – I’m not so sure I could have the patience with myself that she has…she’s definitely seen the best of me and worst of me these last several months since becoming my sponsor. I truly couldn’t have made it to this point without her (and the AA program of course).
Several Recent Relapses
I could go on and on about how amazing the AA program and people I’ve met have been but I need to get some thoughts out of my head. There have recently been several relapses of people I’ve met in the program and maybe I’m just naive but I honestly thought these people were doing so good…at least that’s what they were portraying at meetings. It’s really stopped me in my tracks and made me think…man that could have been me. On so many occasions I’ve wanted to turn to the bottle but I’ve been strong enough to reach out for help and admit I was at a weak place and needed all the love, support and strength everyone could pull for me. And it’s amazing when I’ve admitted being at a breaking point (like sitting in a gas station parking crying and wanting to go in and buy alcohol, or breaking down at 10:30 in the morning and wanting to throw everything away because of stress & so many other incidences) how willing and ready these AA friends are to rally for me, talk me off the ledge, etc.
My heart just breaks for those that have recently relapsed. It makes me hate this disease even more. It scares me. It (for lack of a better word) sobers me. It’s a reality check and reminder that I have to keep on working as hard as I did in the beginning to fight for my sobriety instead of continuing to get in that complacent place that I’ve so easily been getting into lately (not going to meetings for a week at a time, thinking I could go hang out at the bar with old “friends”, that one drink won’t hurt me, etc). But most of all it makes me wonder why do people relapse? What makes them not reach out for help? What makes them pretend that everything is okay and going good when sharing at meetings? And then selfishly (and I hate that I feel like this, but I do) I kind of breathe this sigh of relief like thank gosh it wasn’t me (relapsing).
I know I’m kind of rambling but I have one more thing to say and get out of my head/off my chest. Aside from the recent relapses of several people, I just found out today that one of those people that relapsed passed away over the weekend. I’ve heard lots of people around the tables talking about seeing this disease kill but this is the first time since starting the program that I’ve had to deal with a part of my AA family passing from alcoholism. Again, it makes me hate this disease even more than I already do. It’s a reality check just how sick us alcoholics really are. It just breaks my heart that this person was so lost in the throes of alcoholism that it killed him. It’s (again for lack of a better word) so sobering and a reminder why I
need want HAVE TO keep fighting for my sobriety and doing the next right thing…