So, I’m still in the throes of the situation with the ex. (If you haven’t already, you can read post 1 and post 2 so you know what I’m talking about). A situation that I shouldn’t even be in but I am and I decided this is a process for me. I’m going through the process of thinking/talking about it (which is NOT something the old me would have done – I would have just started seeing him & not cared and ‘hid’ it from people). And then there’s the process of talking to him about things and figuring out if he’s being sincere about things he says he’s changing, etc in his life. And then the process (and probably the most important one) of me having to figure out/decide that aside from the fact that my sobriety is more important than anything else right now, that I know I deserve better than what he can give/provide me (I’m not saying he’s a bad person because he’s not but it makes me feel like that’s what I’m portraying him to be by saying I deserve better). Actually it’s not even figuring that out or deciding that, it’s a matter of BELIEVING.
I have a hard time believing I deserve better. I’ve always settled for any man regardless of how I’ve been treated (I’ve been both physically & emotionally abused by men) because it’s always been better to have any man in my life than none. Thankfully I’m finally starting to learn this isn’t true – but I still struggle with it. Because of my weight I believe that I have to accept whatever man is interested whether he’s someone that has qualities/values that I want a man to have because I don’t believe that a “good” man will want me because I’m bigger. Because I have no self-esteem, self-love, self-worth, etc I believe that a man, any man, will make me feel loved and better about myself (which isn’t true & never works!)
Anyways…back on topic. I think I got kind of sidetracked. I don’t know because once again my mind is racing and I have so many thoughts going on all at once!
So, last night we had our date (dinner & a movie) and it was fun. There was a lot of talking and tons of laughter. But there’s always laughter when he’s around because he just has a great personality and is one of those people that just makes you laugh. Afterwards he wanted me to spend the night which I couldn’t do. I knew in my heart it wasn’t right.
Once I got home, I laid awake most of the night thinking. There were a few things that came up in conversation that really bothered me:
- “You’ll be a good influence on me because you’re not drinking anymore and going to AA.”
- “I told you that I was cutting back on my drinking, not quitting so if I do get the chance to go out with friends I’m going to go.”
- “I don’t like being alone, being in a relationship always makes me feel better & you are everything I want in a woman.”
First, I can’t be a good influence on him. Sure I’m going to AA and not drinking but I can’t control him & make him make better decisions, etc. Second, he then proceeded to say that if he gets the chance to go out he’s going to go out. So it just kind of contradicted itself I guess. And third, I don’t like being alone either that’s why I’m where I’m at right now (in this situation with him) and he isn’t everything I want in a man.
So, here I am again today knowing in my head what I need to do but still struggling in my heart. As I mentioned above this whole thing is a process for me. I have to work through everything and go through the process until…I don’t know. Until I can just tell him how I’m really feeling maybe? I just wish that the situation was easier. The problem is, I do care for him & don’t want to hurt him.
So, anyways that’s where I’m at. I’m going through a process with the situation and right now that’s all I can do.
Until next time…