I’ve been doing pretty good with not thinking about drinking and not craving it. Last weekend I was with family at a sports bar for a big football game & I did fine with all the drinking going on around me…until the waitress sat a beer down in front of me by accident. Just the smell of it made me want it. Of course I didn’t do it. Thankfully I was with family that knows I’m in AA so they would have held me accountable if I tried to drink it.
Anyways, I don’t know what the deal is but I’ve thought about drinking a lot this weekend. It’s been really bad today. I woke up thinking about it and have been thinking about it all day long. I swear I can taste it! I had to run to the grocery store and I was actually nervous about being in a place that had alcohol! But I knew that if I got in there and it was too much that I could just walk out or call my sponsor.
Interestingly, I ran into an old party buddy and seeing her and listening to her tell me about her massive hangover from a crazy night of drinking until 4 in the morning…made me stop thinking about wanting to drink! As she stood there telling me about all the FUN I missed last night and all the alcohol that was consumed and how everyone crashed at this one place and no one got up until after noon…I was just like oh my gosh I can’t believe I used to think all that was FUN. I ended up pretty much tuning her out as she babbled on and on and on about nothing I cared to hear about…especially my dink of an ex…and finally told her I had to go.
I find it interesting that I was at the store at the same exact time that she was. I find it interesting that she thought I cared to hear about all that “fun” everyone had last night knowing that I’m in AA. But even more interesting is all it took for me to stop thinking about wanting to drink was hearing an old party buddy reminisce about a drunken night. As she talked it took me back to how bad things were for me and it made me realize the things I used to laugh about with all these so called “friends” I don’t find fun/funny anymore:
- Blacking out
- Waking up next to unknown men
- Waking up in places I didn’t know where I was
- Having to do damage control – asking people to remove pictures from Facebook, making sure I didn’t say anything ‘bad’ the night before, etc
- Driving not only myself but a car full of people while drunk
- Sleeping next to the toilet cause I puked so much
Ugh, how could I ever think any of that stuff was fun? I mean seriously. There are so many things that I look back on now and it was just all pure craziness. The things I did under the influence of alcohol just amazes me. I never would have done 98% of the things I did while drinking, as a sober person.
That list doesn’t even begin to cover all the dumb things I did during my drinking career! I’m really trying to learn to let go and forgive myself for the things I did but sometimes it’s hard…especially when people I’ve hurt won’t let me forget it. It’s hard to let go of the past when it gets rubbed in your face on a semi regular basis.
I’m getting sidetracked now so I better end here. But I just wanted to share my little struggle this weekend and how it was instantly cured simply by running into an old party buddy & hearing her share the insane details of the night before and hear about the major hangover she was nursing today! It was definitely a reminder that I don’t want to go back to that place!!!