So, I finally stopped going through the process of the recent situation I’ve been talking about (you can read post one here, post two here and post three here if you’d like to know what I’m talking about – if you don’t already know) and I did what I needed to do.
It sucked. It hurt. It still hurts and now I’m an emotional freaking cry baby and am ready to run to the local gas station and get my alcohol. I don’t want to feel these feelings. I don’t want to feel the hurt. I don’t want to deal with the ‘grieving’ process. I don’t want to cry anymore. I just don’t want to feel…I want to be numb. I miss my drunken numbness right now…and I miss it really bad. I’m hoping that the longer I sit here and write and try to calm myself down that the urge to go buy alcohol will go away. I’m so close to that 3 month mark (July 8th) that I don’t want to blow it now!
During counseling today the main thing we focused on was this situation. The more I talked, the more I knew I couldn’t take the time to make this a process anymore because that was actually just avoiding the situation and letting fear lead me (fear of being alone, fear of not having a man in my life…yada yada yada). And by avoiding the situation and ‘seeing’ him (not dating but hanging out) it was only making things worse for me. I’ve been so stressed up, uptight, anxious, sick to my stomach, and worrying these last 5 days that it just wasn’t good for me.
Now or Never
He asked if I wanted to come over tonight & I knew it was now or never. But I wasn’t even brave enough to do it when I first got there! We made small talk when I first got there and then he went right back to the movie he was watching so I sat there sick to my stomach for about an hour. He even asked me a few times what was wrong and what I was thinking about (he totally picked up on the vibe that something was wrong) but again I wasn’t even brave enough to tell him then.
I waited until he was ready for bed. I sat on his bed for a few minutes while he was getting his alarm & stuff ready and then finally I grew the “balls” I needed and asked him to sit down and look at me so I could talk to him.
Him: Oh shit this isn’t going to be good. (The whole sit & look at me thing gave it away that is was going to be a serious talk I think)
Me: Do you care about me?
Me: So you would want the best for me then, right?
Him: Of course
Me: What if what’s best for me doesn’t include you?
Him: (with a sad look on his face) I had a feeling you were going to say something like this but I would understand. It’s important that you do what’s best for you and put your needs in front of mine. I realize when I said you would be a good influence on me & that I wouldn’t be drinking so much but would still drink once in awhile that I wasn’t thinking about your needs, I was thinking about mine & the fact that if you were in my life I wouldn’t be drinking so much.
Me: My sobriety is important and I don’t think I could stay sober if we started dating again. Being with you makes me miss that old lifestyle of hanging out with those “friends” (I use that term very loosely), being at parties and being drunk and I wouldn’t be ok with being your girlfriend and having to sit at home (if I was strong enough to resist the temptation) while you went out how ever often you decided to go out to the bars/parties.
Him: I was actually thinking about that today and I didn’t think you would be ok with that.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: I’m glad that you were honest with me and that we could talk about this now instead of several months down the road. It’s going to be hard, I want you in my life but if I’m not what’s best for you then you don’t need me in your life. Give me a hug.
So, we hugged and I cried and cried and cried. And then I got out of there. And I cried all the way home and I’m still crying. Even though I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest & I have this big sense of relief, it still hurts. I don’t understand why it hurts so much and I just want the pain to go away. And I’m so afraid that he hates me and I don’t want that. So, of course I sent a text message:
Me: I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.
Him: I don’t. Take care of yourself.
I honestly think part of me wanted him to like come running after me or call me or text me more…I think it hurt that he was just so ok with it.
Why does doing the right thing hurt so damn much????
I feel just as upset and sad over this as I do when my son’s dad and I separated (and we were together 6 years!) and him and I were only together 4 months the first time when we were really dating and then 5 days this time when it was…me going through the process of making a decision. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I get so attached so easily when it comes to a man in my life (and yes, this is something I need to work on).
Until next time…
P.S. I’m done writing now and I still want alcohol. Ugh, this sucks. Now I need to find something else to do to keep me busy…
photo credit: ieatmascar