It’s been several days since I’ve posted. I haven’t fallen off the wagon – life has just been busy! So, I finally have a sponsor. I asked a woman a couple weeks ago and we were trying to coordinate schedules to get together to sit down and talk about it but we just never connected. So finally after a meeting the other night we talked for quite awhile and she agreed to it.
I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m not sure what to expect. I know that once you get a sponsor that’s when the ‘real’ work begins and you really start working the steps. The thought of step number four really scares me! I started working on it a little a couple weekends ago and things weren’t pretty. A lot of guilt and shame crept in (not that I needed any more of that junk setting in – I’ve got a ton of it that I’ve been carrying on my shoulders, in my heart and around for a loooong time already).
Step #4 of Alcoholics Anonymous:
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
Just from the little bit of work I started doing (I only spent about 10 minutes on it!) on this step was more than enough for me. All the years that I’ve drank and especially the last several months up until I started outpatient treatment and AA it seems like I didn’t have any morals. Just some of the stuff I wrote down made me sick to my stomach. And made me question how I could have been so stupid to do some of those things I had done. Yes, I know that I was under the influence of alcohol while doing these things but honestly that doesn’t make me feel any better!
And to think that if these things that I know about make me so upset/disgusted with myself…I can only imagine what the things I don’t know about would be like. Ugh. Alcoholism SUCKS! Being a
former (am I really a ‘former’ drunk or am I always going to have to consider myself a drunk? I’m not sure how to word things. Some people say you can’t use the word former or recovery because as an alcoholic you aren’t ever a ‘former’ one or a ‘recovered’ one – you’re always an alcoholic but then other people argue that and say that yes you are in recovery and a former one…who knows, I guess maybe it’s just what you feel comfortable saying) drunk SUCKS. Being a alcoholic SUCKS. This disease just SUCKS.
But I am encouraged and hopeful now that I have a sponsor. Knowing that I have to be held accountable with regular check in’s, etc makes me that much more determined to stay the course and fight this battle…because I am worth it!
Until next time…