Will the guilt and shame ever leave me alone?
It’s like a rash that just won’t go away! Ever since giving up drinking, getting sober (24 days now!) and starting alcoholics anonymous meetings I can’t stop thinking about all the guilt and shame I have. I can’t erase the past and I know I shouldn’t beat myself up but damnit how do you not carry all the guilt and shame when you’ve done things like I have?
Sure, I keep trying to remind myself that the things I did while under the influence aren’t things I would have done sober. But seriously that really doesn’t help take away the pain, the thoughts, the emotions, the guilt or the shame.
Most of the time I was too drunk to even know what I was doing, but boy oh boy do people ever like to tell you the things you did. Or even worse is when their are pictures to prove things you did.
Maybe because I’m still so early on in recovery that this is normal. But man, I don’t know if my heart and head (mind) can handle much more of these feelings of guilt and shame. It just breaks my heart thinking of everything. And part of my recovery is making amends with people I’ve hurt – I have no idea how I’m going to make it through that process. I’ve hurt a whole crap load of people over the years.
I’m just kind of rambling now so I guess it’s time to end this post here.
Until next time…
PS. I mentioned in Monday’s post that I wasn’t going to go back to another AA meeting. Thankfully a friend talked some sense into me and made me realize that maybe I just couldn’t go back to that one meeting that left me feeling so ‘icky’ and making me not want to go back. So, I decided she was right. I did attend an AA meeting yesterday. However, today because of some things going on I wasn’t able to make one.
photo credit: jfg