I don’t even know where to begin…there’s so much going on. But I do know I need to get it all out of my head because it’s making me crazy keeping it all bottled in.
First, I realized I didn’t do a post about hitting the 3 month sobriety mark. July 8th was my three months and it’s been a hell of a struggle to get to that 3 months and it’s still a daily struggle, some more than others. So, I guess I just wanted to mention that I’ve received my 3 month sobriety chip. Ok, so moving on…
- My grandma is in the ‘end days’. She’s been in a nursing home (she has Alzheimers) for a couple years now and we’ve been through a few really scary times with here but this last week has been the scariest. She’s barely able to breathe on her own (most of the time she’s on oxygen) and her breathing is short, raspy and very labored. I feel bad for saying it but I just wish she would pass. This isn’t a way for anyone to live. (this is my grandma on my dad’s side of the family)
- A distant relative committed suicide yesterday (7/27). While it’s not a relative that I knew well it was still hard to hear the news. To hear the pain in my mom’s voice when she called to tell me the news was heartbreaking. But even more than that, it hit home because it took me back to all my suicidal thoughts. My mom just kept saying “I don’t know how someone can do that” but I do know…I know all too well what it’s like to be so depressed, sad and overwhelmed with life that you feel like there’s no way out other than to take your life. Ugh, do I ever know those feelings all to well.
- I’ve been in a very bad emotional place lately. I’m back to feeling hopeless (about staying drunk, financial issues, etc) and like there’s just no way I can stay sober or dig myself out of the messes I’ve created.
- I haven’t been going to meetings hardly at all. Thursday (7/26) was the first meeting I’ve been to in a week in a half.
- I feel like I don’t need the meetings. I feel like I can do this on my own (hahaha that’s a huge joke because if I could do this on my own I wouldn’t be a damn alcoholic).
- I started Ativan. Because of my panic attacks/anxiety and lack of sleep (over 5 days I slept 22 hours that’s how bad my lack of sleep had gotten) I was prescribed Ativan to take at night. It’s helped so much with the panic attacks/anxiety and sleep. I can’t believe how awesome I’ve been sleeping since starting the medicine. But, I’m starting to rely on the pills a little too much…every day I can’t wait until bed time so I can take my happy pill as I’ve now nicknamed them. They tend to have the same effect that alcohol used to have (taking me to that ‘happy’ place where I could relax and not have a care in the world.)
- I don’t want to do step 4.It’s too painful the little work I have done on it. I’ve done some horrible/shitty/awful things and writing them down doesn’t make me feel better. It just increases all the guilt and shame I already have.
- I’ve been hating life.This is such a broad statement because life involves so many different things. But in general I just hate my life. I’m lonely. I miss having my son live with me 24/7. I miss the so called “friends” I used to party with – it’s not so much that I even miss them, it’s the situation I miss because at least when I was caught up in the throes of my drinking & hanging with them I was doing something pretty much every single night!
- I miss the ex. You know the one I spent 5 days torturing myself with doing what was right for me? The situation that I wrote about several different times. Again, I’m not so sure it’s even him I miss but the situation of having a man in my life, someone to hang out with and someone to ‘validate’ me.
I guess I’m just in one of my “funks” again. But it’s been going on for a couple weeks now and I can’t shake it. All this self-discovery stuff I’ve been doing since getting sober 3 months ago (almost 4 now) is hard work, ugly, and scary. I’m finding out a lot of things about myself that I don’t like – some things I can change, others I can’t – and so far I haven’t really found anything I do like. And that’s not good because I’ve always hated myself so all this self-discovery stuff isn’t helping boost how I feel about myself.
And I’m still “pretending” to be someone I’m not when I’m around certain family members – specifically my dad and mom. I have such weird relationships with them, more so my dad than mom. The one thing that I’ve loved about AA is the fact that I don’t have to pretend to be anything I’m not and these people still like me. People actually like me for who I am. When it comes to my dad (and that whole side of the family) I’ve always had to be better than I was because that was never good enough (an A should have been an A+, pregnant without being married was a disgrace, no daughter of mine could possibly struggle with money/financial messes, the list goes on and on). So my entire life I’ve always pretended to be better off than I was, pretending to make more money than I do, pretending to be able to afford this and that when I can’t. Pretending I’m doing great when I’m not.
As for my mom, I can talk to her about things but she just doesn’t “get” it. She’s never understood why I needed 2 meetings a day (when I cared enough about myself/my sobriety to make attending as many meetings as possible a priority). She just doesn’t understand and I know that’s not her fault. It just makes me feel like I can’t talk to her about how bad things are right now. I cried hanging up the phone with her today because I wanted to talk about how bad I’m struggling right now and how much I hate life but I couldn’t tell her because she always has some comment about how I need to be grateful for this or for that and how things could be worse. And yes, I understand that but sometimes I just want my “momma” and want her to just listen…
Even though I feel hopeless, I’m still hanging onto hope that things will get better. I’m still hanging onto hope that I can get through all this. I’m still hanging onto hope that one day I will find the happiness that I know comes from within (that so many people at the tables talk about all the time). And despite everything going on, I know that when I still hang onto all these little pieces of hope…I know I’ll be ok – somehow, someway I’ll be ok.
Until next time…