I haven’t wrote in several days. I’ve been trying to process some serious emotions I’ve been going through the last several days and I’m just…feeling numb I guess. This is the first time that I’ve felt that numbness without being drunk and it’s weird. After my post will I ever learn which wasn’t even about drinking and my struggles with alcoholism but it was about another addiction I’m struggling with too (men & bad relationships) I turned around and let the same shit go down just 2 days later! Just 2 freaking days later…ugh I’m so not thrilled that I continue to make the same stupid decisions over and over and over.
A couple days ago I made the decision to have a serous talk with someone I needed to talk to about my alcoholism, going to AA and weekly therapy appointments. It wasn’t good. It was a very negative situation which isn’t what I was expecting at all. Nothing like being told what a disgrace I am and what a disappointment I am. Nothing like being cut down and made to feel worse than I already do.
But something someone said at my Saturday morning AA meeting really ‘hit me in the head’. They talked about the Big Book and a story in there about resentments. I’ve bookmarked the story in my book and realized that I can’t let the things this person said to me keep me down and in a funk because it’s only hurting me. So I’m doing like the Big Book suggests – praying for them every day for 2 straight weeks!
So, anyways I just wanted to pop in real quick and post. I’m still here. I’m still sober (today is day #49!). I’m just going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now trying to sort all these messed up feelings. Plus someone I used to party with killed himself just a few days ago and it’s really bugging me…especially because my depression has been so bad lately – but that’s a whole different story.
As for this feeling numb thing…I’m not sure how to handle it. Normally I used alcohol to numb my feelings. Now I’m just closing myself off from those around me and letting myself be numb. I know closing myself off is a dangerous place to be in but right now I just need to try to sort all this shit out that is running through my head.
Until next time…