Hmmm…there isn’t even really a word to describe how I’m feeling. Blah maybe?. I don’t know. The last couple days have been crap. Pure crap. One thing after the other and I’m emotionally wore out from all this crap. I made myself go to 2 AA meetings yesterday because I was in such a weird mood and not sure what to do with myself. Drinking has been on my mind quite a bit the last several days so I knew the best place and safest place for me to be was at AA meetings.
I really needed 2 again today but it didn’t work out that I could make 2. I did make 1 but even that didn’t feel like it was enough. And the straw that broke the camels back happened 30 minutes before the meeting today and had there not been a meeting for me to go to I would have been drinking. No ifs ands or buts about it. I’ve had more than I can handle and if one more person tells me that my higher power, God, etc won’t give me more than I can handle I’m going to scream. Because let me tell you I can’t handle ANYMORE.
My stress is through the roof again. My emotions are raw and all I can think about is saying “screw it, my sobriety isn’t worth it anymore”, getting drunk to take the pain away & not deal with all this crap would be so much easier. And yes it would be easier to numb myself but I remember those first 15 days of sobriety and I don’t want to have to start back there again. It scares me thinking back on those first several days of sobriety – it was not a good place to be in. Withdrawals suck. Detoxing sucks. And thankfully thinking about that ‘snapped me back to reality’ and I was able to tell myself that my sobriety is worth it and there is always going to be crap going on so I have to learn how to deal with it in healthy ways! I need some coping mechanisms to deal with everything going on and to help with the stress, anxiety and panic attacks.
So, anyways…that’s where I’m at right now. Just feeling kind of…blah I guess. Stressed. Tired. Anxious. Angry. Sad. Lots of different emotions about the last couple crappy days with all the crap being thrown at me.
Until next time…