It’s been a long week. It’s been a particularly tough emotional week. I’m raw…my heart hurts. I’m drained from all the crying. It started on Tuesday when I had a therapy appointment. And things have been tugging on my heart since then. I haven’t spent a lot of time reflecting about all these emotions – again it’s because I’m still putting everyone else first and not putting my own needs first – and I know it’s not good to just keep letting them build up inside of me.
I went to a special meeting last night – it’s called an open speaker meeting – and it was exactly what I needed. The speaker touched my life. I could relate with everything she shared. It’s scary (not really scary but more interesting I guess) how I’ve heard my story in a few different women now! Oh yeah back to the speaker – she’s been sober 24 years. There is hope for me! That’s one thing not just this special speaker but everyone I hear speak around the tables gives me…HOPE! But even more than that they ‘love’ me for me and I need that right now because I don’t love myself.
If you read this recent post then you know I don’t even come close to loving myself. It’s pretty harsh to hear someone say they hate themselves because that’s such a strong word but that’s exactly what I feel about myself. So to know that there are a group of people around me that can love me right now means a lot. I’m not sure how they think I am lovable but whatever if they want to love me I’ll let them. I feel that way about God too – how can He love such a screw up?
Anyways…I’m just so emotionally raw right now. Everyone keeps telling me this is normal but that doesn’t help take the pain away. For the first time in several days (maybe even a week), last night, I found myself wanting to drink to numb everything again. I didn’t do it but I sure thought about it.
So, I guess this (this raw feeling) too shall pass.
Until next time…