What a crummy day. It started out ok I guess. Maybe it just felt crummy cause I’m feeling crummy. I’m still craving alcohol all the time. I still think about it all the time. I wasn’t in a good mental place when I went grocery shopping today and how I walked out of the store without any booze is beyond me. I paced up and down the alcohol aisle for several minutes. I actually carried on a huge conversation (in my head) with myself while I was pacing:
You don’t want this.
Oh, yes I do want this! And lots of it!
You don’t want this because nothing good is going to come of taking that first drink.
Oh but I do want this because something good will come of that first drink – I’ll keep drinking until my brain is foggy, my body is numb and I can’t think about anything going on in my life.
Is it worth taking a drink and erasing the last 7 days, working on 8, of sobriety and having to start over again?
Well, no it’s not worth having to start back at 0 but alcohol sure would make me less anxious, less stressed and a lot happier than I am right now.
Thankfully I talked myself out of buying any booze! A couple of times I thought about picking up my phone and calling someone on my list of numbers but I was too embarrassed to admit I was actually pacing up and down the alcohol aisles. I was too ashamed to admit I was struggling really bad.
I went to an AA meeting and said I didn’t have much to share other than I was in a pissy mood, frustrated that people wouldn’t leave me alone and I didn’t want to be sober anymore. As usual, those ladies picked me up and made me realize I’m not feeling (or doing) anything that isn’t normal this early on in getting sober. Apparently even the bitchiness I’m feeling is normal too.
It’s called withdrawals and it’s not pretty. I’m angry at the world. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at the alcoholism disease. I’m just flat out angry right now. I don’t know if it’s normal to question whether I’m really an alcoholic or not but that’s been on my mind a lot lately too. I sit around ‘playing with fire’ by thinking thoughts like if I’m not an alcoholic one sip won’t hurt or if I am an alcoholic maybe I can control it this time. But I do know I’m an alcoholic so I don’t know why I waste my time questioning it!
As I told the ladies at the meeting tonight – this SUCKS. Why can’t I just be normal and not have to deal with this alcoholism crap?
Everyone says everything happens for a reason…so please tell me why the heck am I an alcoholic? What on earth is the reason behind that?
Until next time…
photo credit: ralaenin