I recently celebrated my birthday. Of course my goal that night was too see how drunk I could get. In fact, all I thought about all day long was getting drunk. I couldn’t wait until 6 o’clock when I headed out for a birthday dinner! I joked with a friend that I didn’t care about the free birthday dinner, all I wanted was the beer/shots/mixed drinks – whatever anyone was putting in front of me!
There came a point in the night that I didn’t even remember where I was, who I was with but the worst part was waking up the next morning with a man in my bed and I had no idea how he got there although I vaguely remember friends egging me on to ‘get laid because hey it’s your birthday‘.
As he snored away next to me I silently wept…for a few hours. Once he woke up it was one of those total awkward moments that you don’t know what to say and the only thing running through my head was ‘hurry up and get the hell out of here, get out of my space, get out of my place!’
That day, not so long ago (day after the birthday celebration) was a really bad day. Aside from having the most massive hangover ever I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t stop hating myself for the things I’d been doing lately. At some point during the day I remember picking up the the phone making a couple phone calls saying:
“I think I might have a drinking problem.”
In all honesty I’ve carried that thought around with me for quite some time – since my college years which was many many moons ago. Why has that thought been in the back of my mind? Because people have told me before they thought I had a drinking problem. Let me just say those conversations never went over well!
But aside from those conversations I knew I wasn’t ‘normal’ when it came to drinking. I’ve never been able to control my drinking. I’ve never been able to have one or two and stop. But worst of all I couldn’t control the things I did while drinking. I couldn’t remember the last time I woke up from a night of partying and not having some drunken regret from the night before (if I even remembered the things I did). But most of all I remember these thoughts running through my head:
- What the hell happened to me?
- Who am I?
- How could I let my life become such an unmanageable mess?
- Isn’t there more to life than this?
- Don’t I deserve better than this?
- Why am I such a bad person?
- You’re such a loser.
- You’re such a skank.
- How the hell am I going to deal with this?
- You’re a quitter so why even try to get help if you really do have a drinking problem?
- Will I ever be happy?
- Will I ever love myself?
- Will I ever be able to get sober?
- How am I ever going to tell my family?
- Is life even worth living?
- Would anyone even miss me if I was gone?
- This is just a hopeless situation.
- No one can help me.
- Why would anyone even want to help me?
- You’re so stupid.
- Why am I here?
- What’s my purpose in life?
So, that’s where I was that morning after my birthday not so long ago. It wasn’t a pretty picture. I was definitely a hot mess. And by the time I crawled into bed (still nursing a hangover) that night I still found myself wondering:
Do I have a drinking problem?
Until next time…
photo credit: 7rains