Right now, writing seems to be all that I have – I’ve burned so many bridges and ruined so many friendships that I have no friends I can talk to anymore. At least not any local friends. So I turned to writing but even just writing about this makes me feel ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed and like a big loser with a capital L.
What’s going on that I’m so ashamed, humiliated and embarrassed about?
I’m an a-l-c-o-h-o-l-i-c.
I still have a hard time saying it. I used to think an alcoholic was someone that drank every.single. day. My drinking is/has been sometimes up to 5 times a week but hey I wasn’t an alcoholic because I hadn’t reached that every single day drinking stage yet. (seriously that’s how my mind was justifying my drinking – it was ok because I wasn’t doing it every day)
As I sat in the office of an outpatient treatment center answering question after question after question, it was clear I was an alcoholic. I’m not sure I was willing to admit it then (or even now – I’m still in denial over it). It’s not easy coming to terms with the fact you have a problem, especially a nasty shameful one like being an alcoholic.
But alcohol controls me and I can’t stop once a little bit touches my lips. Most ‘normal’ people can have 1-2 drinks and stop. Not me. That first sip goes down and I drink to get drunk, pass out…or black out as that’s happening more and more frequently these days. Even back many many moons ago when I was in college I was having blackout episodes. Nothing like waking up in places I didn’t have any idea how I got there! Or even worse…waking up next to a man you didn’t know questioning what happened and hating yourself because you couldn’t remember.
You would think the time (still in college) I had to have my stomach pumped I drank so much Vodka would have been a wake up call. Or the time I was in a very serious drunk driving accident (the officer that had to make the call to my mother told her he wasn’t sure how I was even alive other than there was someone watching out for me)!
Yeah, that’s definitely a definition of an alcoholic. And I can add even more to that list:
- I use alcohol to numb my feelings…sort of like my food addiction. (Hey if you’re going to be an addict you might as well do it up good & have more than one addiction in your life. Right?)
- I use alcohol to escape life/reality and the things I’m faced with (bill collectors harassing me – sometimes 6 & 7 times a day, bills I’m behind on (basic necessities – rent, electric, gas). Kind of ironic that I spend money on alcohol I don’t have to ‘escape’ the financial pressures
- I use alcohol to calm my nerves
- I use alcohol because I crave it
- I use alcohol because I don’t have a care in the world when I’m drunk
Basically you could say I’m the poster child for alcoholism and being an alcoholic! Not exactly something to be proud of that’s for sure. However, they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. And I definitely have a problem…a big one.
So, where do I go from here?
I’m not sure. I’ve admitted I have a problem. I’ve reached out for help and that’s all I know right now.
Until next time…
photo credit: essie82