It’s been awhile since I’ve wrote. In my last post I shared about finally – after five days – being brave enough to do what I knew I needed to do but was too afraid to do it. I’d like to say things have been great since making that decision but they haven’t been.
I’ve struggled every single day to not contact him. But more important than that…I’ve struggled every single day to not drink and stay sober! I want to numb these feelings and not deal with them. In a way I have been numbing them because I’ve been using food to stuff the feelings which isn’t good either. But thankfully I have an amazing sponsor who has been right by my side through all this and when I feel like I just can’t do it (stay sober or not contact him) anymore she’s there to encourage me, ‘pick’ me up and push me to stay strong.
She gave me a book on July 5th (just 2 days after the whole situation/incident – whatever you want to call it – I mentioned in my last post) all about self-esteem (which I have absolutely NONE of). The book is Believing In Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem and I highly recommend it! It’s one of those books that has a day for every day of the year and you read it daily sort of thing. She had a specific date for me to read – August 12 – and I’ll never forget it. In fact I’ve been reading that same page (and the regular daily reading) every single day! The reading was so dead on…
At first I thought I was in love. Then I discovered I was just dependent ~Joan H.
Love and dependency are as different as night and day. Although at times they may look and even feel the same, understanding the difference may be the only way to preserve self-esteem.
Whenever we are dependent, we devalue ourselves. Addiction always results in the loss of freedom and dignity. To compulsively cling to any relationship is to forgo choice, which is a requisite of love. Rather than loving as an act of free will, we are simply acting out an addiction. When a relationship focuses only on the wishes and needs of the other, self-respect is impossible.
The person experiencing an addictive relationship suffers enormous stress at the thought of losing the relationship. Thus there is irrational willingness to do, say, or think whatever it takes to keep the relationship going. Self-esteem is always traded off in such situations. Whether we deny them or not, we do have our own needs. What we think matters, how we feel counts, and what we have to say must be listened to and taken seriously. FEAR, not love, is what impels us to put any relationship before our own well-being.
Emotional independence is a must for my self-esteem as well as for my relationships.
Yeah! Talk about hitting the nail on the head! That is exactly what the whole situation (and 98% of all the relationships I’ve had with men) was/is all about – it’s an addiction (I’ve always been in a relationship because I don’t know how to be alone – I date any man interested just for the sake of having a man in my life!) And the sentence that I made bold and underlined, uhm yeah! That is EXACTLY what was going on with me during those 5 days as I was going through this process of trying to decide what to do even though I knew what was best for me!!!
So, all that to say that I’m really struggling to stay sober. It consumes (the thought of drinking) my thoughts all the time again. I’m also really struggling to not get a hold of him. I’ve seen him out and about just about every single day for the last week and that just makes this even harder. But I keep reading this over and over to remind myself that I miss the situation (of having a man in my life) more than I actually miss him. It wouldn’t be fair to him (or myself) to go back to him.
Until next time…take it one day at a time!