On one hand 52 days sober seems so ‘small’ compared to others around me. I couldn’t even share at a meeting last night about how many days sober I had because I felt silly saying I only had that many days when the two people next to me shared that one of them had one year sober and the other had two years sober. Silly isn’t it? I had just as much of a right to share my anniversary as they did but it just felt so unimportant next to their year and two years. But on the other hand 52 days is huge.
I kind of had an ah ha moment yesterday. I realized I’m tired of playing the victim all the time. Sure life has thrown shit at me but I’m tired of just sitting back and taking it and being a victim all the time. I want to get out of victim mode, take my power back and learn to live a truly fulfilling life.
Right now that scares the shit out of me. Maybe that’s because I’m still in the early stages of recovery and still battling the nasty craving to get drunk all the time. Maybe it’s because my depression has been through the roof lately (my anxiety & panic attacks too). Maybe it’s because right now I don’t even know what a fulfilling life truly means. I do know that the first part of getting to that place is staying sober…even though there are days I don’t want to. Like today.
The depression has been bad. Really bad. I’m exhausted (haven’t been sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night). I’m emotionally raw and worn down. I’m physically wore out. And the urge to get drunk to get through it all has been running rampant. But I’m NOT giving in. (see there can be pluses to being stubborn!) I’m starting to, slowly but surely, learn that I do deserve to live sober. I do deserve this. And my child definitely deserves a sober mother! There are days that I don’t think I can do this for myself and it’s those days that all I have to do is think of my child and I know I want to to at least do it for them.
I have had so many pity parties for myself lately that honestly I’m pity partied out! I’m so over this pity party and victim way of life. I want to get better. I want to live a better life. I want to stay sober no matter how much things suck right now.
I’m starting to feel more and more hope that if I continue to work the AA program, see my therapist, etc that life will get better and eventually I will lead a healthy, happy, fun and fulfilling life! It feels good to have these little glimpses of hope every once in awhile!
Until next time…