I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and ‘patting myself on the back’ for making it to 20 days sober living. That smile left pretty quick and was replaced with tears when I picked up my phone and found several text messages from someone from my past. Someone that I didn’t need to see text messages from. It brought up a lot of emotions – emotions that I was drinking over previously. It brought up a lot of anger. But of course I played with fire and sent a text back. It didn’t end there – we text messaged several times throughout the day and into the evening.
Making a Bad Decision
And I’d like to say it ended at the text messaging. But it didn’t. I ended up making a bad decision and meeting up with this person. We talked…even though talking isn’t supposed to be what happened! It’s hard admitting that but it’s the truth (I’m sure you can read between the lines and ‘get’ what I’m talking about here without me coming out and saying it!). But for the first time in my life when I said (in my head) ‘you deserve better than to be used by a man’ it really sunk in and I really got it. I walked out. I stood up and walked out…this is
huge monumental for me. I have never walked away from a situation like that with my dignity still in tact (I think dignity is the word I’m looking for).
‘Standing on a Ledge Ready to Jump’ (a.k.a. go buy booze & get trashed!)
However, even though I made the decision to do the next right thing (do the next right thing is an AA phrase that is used often) and leave without anything happening I couldn’t stop beating myself up over the fact I was stupid enough to go there in the first place! So, that’s how at 10:30 at night I found myself sitting in the parking lot of a gas station crying and wanting to walk in and buy alcohol for about 20 minutes! Those were the longest and weakest 20 minutes ever! But I didn’t buy beer!
Instead, for the first time since starting the AA program I did the right thing – I picked up my phone and reached out. They weren’t kidding in meetings when they said that phone will feel like it weighs a hundred pounds when you first pick it up to reach out! I started at the top of the list of numbers and kept moving through the list until someone called me back. They were my lifeline. They literally helped talk me down off the ‘ledge’ I was on. They saved me tonight. And there were a few other friends (non AA) that helped out too.
So, now after some reflection time (and of course more crying) and thinking about what got me to that point (aside from being emotional) I’m exhausted, have a headache and am going to bed. But I’m going to bed “celebrating” because I’m going to bed sober and and not used by a man and for that I can be proud of myself! Tomorrow starts my 21st day of sober living…bring it on!
Until next time…
photo credit: ieatmascar